|My KotOR Characters. Of Course.|
I love spending time with my friends, and I love the fantastic worlds that I get to visit. A majority of my problem, I think, is the long-running basic assumption that DnD characters are largely greedy self-serving bastards. Having this as a core premise has always been a downer for me. Even though it can be amusing from time to time, the constant exposure to this paradigm has, I think, really worn me down.
I remember trying to play Dark Side in KotOR for a while, and it didn't last long at all. I laughed a couple times, but got bored with it quickly. It made the game dreary and unfun for me.
I tried to play Renegade Shepard in Mass Effect 2. Again, a few laughs. When the crew had concerns about spacing Grunt if he went crazy, and Shepard just shrugged and grinned after making a point about having extra crewmembers, I thought it was hilarious. But I stopped playing that save and went back to my paragon version soon after. I didn't like Bad Shep, and didn't care what happened to him. Playing him felt like a tedious chore.
I tried playing a Skyrim character who broke laws, went to jail, killed innocuous bystanders, etc. Same result. Lame. Quit playing that one before level 15. When my son was playing and decided to get turned into a vampire and eat people at Vampire Castle, I tried to keep watching, but lost all interest.
I know all these examples are from video games, and involve me trying to play 'the bad guy' rather than being enmired in their midst, but I guess my point is it's just not in me. It's not fun for me. Rather than getting any emotional relief from parodying or lampooning assholes by being an asshole, I get my relief by smashing the assholes. I'm kind of afraid that this means I'm simple or naive, but I can’t deny that it all adds up to me beginning to experience my chosen hobby as another source of depression rather than a refuge from it.