What Playing 5th Edition D&D Feels Like To Me

[I specify "to me", because I am not you, so I don't know how it feels to you. It clearly feels pretty good to quite a few people. If it feels great to you, that's awesome. I'm not attacking you, or trying to change your mind.]

[Also, below, "5e" is not in any way a DM. It is the rules system, nothing else. "Me" is myself as a player or DM, either one.]

I need to go through a door into a room where I need to solve a problem. There is a box outside the door with 68 specialised tools all jumbled together. I can take one into the room with me. I rummage through the box and pick a screwdriver, thinking "this seems versatile".

5e: "That's not 'versatile'. That tool is for driving quarter inch flathead screws, little mister, and that's all!"

Me: "Uh.. ok?"

I go in the room, and there are two boards partially nailed together. I need to either finish nailing them together, or separate them. I flip the screwdriver around and start hammering the nail with the handle.

5e: "Whoa down there, tiger! As stated earlier, that's a screwdriver, not a hammer. You need to turn that back around and hold it by the handle."

I turn the screwdriver back around, and start using it to pry the two boards apart.

5e: "Hey now! No can do, MacGuyver. That screwdriver is for driving screws. I mean, it's right there in the name, see? You had plenty of opportunity on the other side of the door to pick a hammer or a crowbar, but you chose the screwdriver."

I try to put the screwdriver through my head. It does not work, because my head is not a screw.

Me: "Screw you, 5e."

In The Mouth of Madness

This is the passage Sam Neill reads as the walls of the world tear open, and he watches Elder Horrors rush toward reality. I mostly put this here so I won't lose it.

In The Mouth of Madness
“Trent stood at the edge of the rip; stared into the illimitable gulf of the unknown, the Stygian world yawning blackly beyond. Trent's eyes refused to close. He did not shriek, but the hideous unholy abominations shrieked for him, as in the same second he saw them spill and tumble upward out of an enormous carrion black pit choked with the gleaming white bones of countless unhallowed centuries. He began to back away from the rip as the army of unspeakable figures, twilit by the glow from the bottomless pit, came pouring at him toward our world.”

Sigh.

My KotOR Characters. Of Course.

I'm experiencing some pretty serious DnD burnout.

I love spending time with my friends, and I love the fantastic worlds that I get to visit. A majority of my problem, I think, is the long-running basic assumption that DnD characters are largely greedy self-serving bastards. Having this as a core premise has always been a downer for me. Even though it can be amusing from time to time, the constant exposure to this paradigm has, I think, really worn me down.

I remember trying to play Dark Side in KotOR for a while, and it didn't last long at all. I laughed a couple times, but got bored with it quickly. It made the game dreary and unfun for me.

I tried to play Renegade Shepard in Mass Effect 2. Again, a few laughs. When the crew had concerns about spacing Grunt if he went crazy, and Shepard just shrugged and grinned after making a point about having extra crewmembers, I thought it was hilarious. But I stopped playing that save and went back to my paragon version soon after. I didn't like Bad Shep, and didn't care what happened to him. Playing him felt like a tedious chore.

I tried playing a Skyrim character who broke laws, went to jail, killed innocuous bystanders, etc. Same result. Lame. Quit playing that one before level 15. When my son was playing and decided to get turned into a vampire and eat people at Vampire Castle, I tried to keep watching, but lost all interest.

I know all these examples are from video games, and involve me trying to play 'the bad guy' rather than being enmired in their midst, but I guess my point is it's just not in me. It's not fun for me. Rather than getting any emotional relief from parodying or lampooning assholes by being an asshole, I get my relief by smashing the assholes. I'm kind of afraid that this means I'm simple or naive, but I can’t deny that it all adds up to me beginning to experience my chosen hobby as another source of depression rather than a refuge from it.

20 Questions

I originally posted this a while ago on the Castle Nicodemus devoted blog. I've since decided not to bother with keeping a separate blog for it - kinda dumb. Thus, I'm re-posting it here.


Thanks to Brendan at Untimately! Here are 20 rule questions that are bound to come up at some point, and the way I will answer them for Nicodemus games.

1. Ability scores generation method? 3d6 in order, no adjustments. Str, Int, Wis, Con, Dex, Cha.
2. How are death and dying handled? At zero the player rolls on Trollsmyth's Death & Dismemberment Table. They will keep rolling on it anytime they're hit until they're above zero, usually with a negative modifier the same as their hits.
3. What about raising the dead? No NPC in the area can do it. Try hauling them elsewhere.
4. How are replacement PCs handled? Play an NPC for a while, or roll & arrive.
5. Initiative: individual, group, or something else? Group, 1st round determines all. Chainmail weapon classes determine melee order.
6. Are there critical hits and fumbles? How do they work? Crits yes, on a 20 if you also roll max damage. Fumbles are generally rp'd via imagination and circumstance.
7. Do I get any benefits for wearing a helmet? Can sacrifice for a head crit.
8. Can I hurt my friends if I fire into melee or do something similarly silly? Yes.
9. Will we need to run from some encounters, or will we be able to kill everything? Be willing to run.
10. Level-draining monsters: yes or no? Yes.
11. Are there going to be cases where a failed save results in PC death? Yes. Be smart.
12. How strictly are encumbrance & resources tracked? Usually no big deal. Don't push it.
13. What's required when my PC gains a level? Training? Do I get new spells automatically? Can it happen in the middle of an adventure, or do I have to wait for down time? Gain a level right away. All spells after starters must be found in some way, including within the party. Also counts for clerics.
14. What do I get experience for? Treasure, monsters, carousing, session reports.
15. How are traps located? Description, dice rolling, or some combination? Either works. Description can be more effective.
16. Are retainers encouraged and how does morale work? Yes, OD&D rules.
17. How do I identify magic items? The Gypsy Lady will identify for 250gp.
18. Can I buy magic items? Oh, come on: how about just potions? The Gypsy Lady occasionally has potions for sale.
19. Can I create magic items? When and how? OD&D rules. Can't really be done in the field.
20. What about splitting the party? Caveat emptor

GM Day

SUNDAY, SUNDAY, SUNDAY!! It’s the first annual GMs Day Games! March 4^th at the Nicodemus Coliseum and Arena. MONSTERS!! NITRO-BURNIN’ WIZARDS!! It starts at 10 AM Eastern, but it goes TIL ALL THE PLAYERS ARE DEAD! No reserve seating, tickets are free! You can have the whole seat, BUT YOU’LL ONLY NEED THE EDGE!!!

go to CoopStuff.com for awesome stuff!

Running all day Sunday on G+ Hangout, for as long as I have players, with a break in the middle while I go play Barry Blatt’s Tekumel. Bring your flailsnails characters and come and go as you please. Join anytime and stay as long as you like.

World of Grot

The first bubbling putrescence of a new reality has leached up from the foetid and fecund soil of my imagination. It began when I realised how strongly and continuously I was being drawn toward a seemingly mundane and telluric pencil work by the esteemed John Blanche. Irresistibly, I viewed it again and again. I sought out variant forms, almost as though habituated to its prospect as to an alchemical narcotic. Finally, I knew no other course which would alleviate my predilection. In the position of continuing to spool forth my beloved Morvalo-Anglian milieu, as well as maintaining a substantive efflusion of entries on this periodical record, I must throw aside all proper caution and begin the setting down of this terrible vision with which I had so lately been cursed.

[I'm already working on a ton of stuff, so, of course, start another new setting!]

The basis of the entire setting is this one picture. It's an awesome John Blanche. Take it as a common and average vista in this world. I'll be calling this setting 'Grot.' It is quite grotty. A few things I know about it so far include the utter absence of halflings, hobbits, elves, and dwarves. Also, no orcs, not normal ones at least. Also, no humans. In fact, any player characters in the setting will have arrived there from somewhere else. This will put quite a damper on the usual 'stop by the merchant and stock up' sort of activity, but the main source of influx will be from a door within Castle Nicodemus.

My GM Questionnaire

I am filling out my GM questionnaire. I did not use number 2 pencil.

1. If you had to pick a single invention in a game you were most proud of what would it be?
This is kind of a tough one, right off the bat, because I'm thinking back through all my games since 1988. The ones earlier.. didn't invent much. I suppose it would be the giant mega-roomscalator from hell. Sort of like an escalator, but made of small rooms that tilt and climb. You end up going through a door each time a room stops tilting, to go into the next room. Each time you open a door, a new monster is waiting there for you. That's where Hannibal contracted tiger-lycanthropy.

2. When was the last time you GMed?
Monday night, 16 January, 2012. My players were Zak Smith, Jason Kielbasa, Roger Burgess and Cameron McGowan.

3. When was the last time you played?
Last night, 17 January, 2012. I played in Chris Kutalik's Hill Cantons.

4. Give us a one-sentence pitch for an adventure you haven't run but would like to.
Planescape's Sigil is Oliver Twist's London, with Oliver Reed from 1968, and the players have to find and recover an artifact in the city before the band of thieves do it.

5. What do you do while you wait for players to do things?
They wait for me more than I wait for them. This is known as a Bad Thing. When I do wait for them, I cook up funky turns for them.

6. What, if anything, do you eat while you play?
I always used to eat Igor's Piroshkis with extra cheese on top. They stopped making them, and all you can get now are those damn little hot pocket abominations. Thus, I no longer eat while gamemastering.

7. Do you find GMing physically exhausting?
Unfortunately, I find everything physically exhausting, since I have fibromyalgia. GMing actually helps me forget the pain for a while, which is pretty damn sweet.

8. What was the last interesting (to you, anyway) thing you remember a PC you were running doing?
Father Jack, upon realising the party was being charged by two Nehwonian Ghuls inside a golden Melnibonean war barge, grabbed two big fluffy satin pillows and threw them at the ghuls' feet in an attempt to trip them. Party fumbles ensued.

9. Do your players take your serious setting and make it unserious? Vice versa? Neither?
So far, players have injected precisely the right balance of jocularity. One slip and it's off with your heads.

10. What do you do with goblins?
Personally, I roast them slowly while basting with a mix of hearty yet piquant spices. In my games, it is more varied. So far in my OD&D Greyhawk game they all wear red caps, dyed in human blood. Some of them look like Pathfinder goblins, and some others they've met look like Labyrinth goblins. Minus David Bowie and The Codpiece of Doom. They are cheery and dumb, and have proven rather amusing to talk with. They tend to have Stoogesque arguments among themselves. In my Castle Nicodemus game so far, they look like the goblins from the Rankin/Bass Hobbit. Only a statue of one, or perhaps a victim of petrifaction, has been found as yet.

11. What was the last non-RPG thing you saw that you converted into game material (background, setting, trap, etc.)?
I can't say the last thing, because that would be telling. Previous things = 60s TV show The Prisoner, The King of Elfland's Daughter by Dunsany, Cher.

12. What's the funniest table moment you can remember right now?
A new player (character named Jack) joined the party by seeing members of the group appear out of nothing as they exited a Mordenkainen's Magnificent Mansion. He maintained they were demons. One of the party (character named Tom) embarked on a 20 minute debate, roleplaying in character, trying to convince Jack that, in fact, he, Jack himself was the demon. By the time Tom was done, Jack pretty much believed he was actually a demon, and had sworn an oath to Tom on a dagger made out of spinal column.

13. What was the last game book you looked at--aside from things you referenced in a game--why were you looking at it?
Planescape - The Planewalker's Handbook. I was reading it just because it's interesting.

14. Who's your idea of the perfect RPG illustrator?
I can't decide between Simon Bisley and Rodney Matthews.

15. Does your game ever make your players genuinely afraid?
It has before, back in my face-to-face days. It was very rewarding.

16. What was the best time you ever had running an adventure you didn't write? (If ever)
I ran Dyson's Goblin Gulch in my Labyrinth Lord Eberron game. Excellent.

17. What would be the ideal physical set up to run a game in?
Big round table, easy to control lighting for spookability, computer handy for music, sounds, visual aids, and references like Wikipedia.

18. If you had to think of the two most disparate games or game products that you like what would they be?
1st Ed. AD&D and The Window.

19. If you had to think of the most disparate influences overall on your game, what would they be?
Coop's Devil Girls and The Wind in The Willows.

20. As a GM, what kind of player do you want at your table?
Someone intelligent with a good sense of humor.

21. What's a real life experience you've translated into game terms?
Exploring in the woods.

22. Is there an RPG product that you wish existed but doesn't?
Not really. Many I want are out of print, however.

23. Is there anyone you know who you talk about RPGs with who doesn't play? How do those conversations go?
My wife. She's interested in what I have to say, and sometimes gives me ideas, but remains adamant that it's "not her thing."


Thanks Zak, for getting me motivated to at least write something this morning.

The Big Move

Our move is almost done! Of course, done in this case means a lot of stuff is in a storage unit and there are tons of boxes all over our new house and furniture in strange places - like a 7 foot TV armoire in our kitchen. But, most of the boxes are out of our old place, so I should be back to normal inconsistency instead of protracted absence by the weekend. Whee!

E is for Erstwhile Ended Entry Effluvia

It's a good thing I had the presentiment to not sign up Explicitly for the daily post alphabet challenge. We've been in various stages of trying to get into a new Edifice for a little over two months now, and it's kept my output even more Economical than usual. But, it's finally at an End, and we Exchange money for keys later today! Excelsior!!

Although this Equivocally means that my Efficacy will actually further Erode for a while, it also means that after a week or so it will Escalate and Expand to a much greater, Even daily, proliferation.

Enyway..

In coming up with a couple more names for unplanned npcs in my Greyhawk game, I realised something enter.. er.. interesting. I like making non-player characters. It entertains me. My favourite part of making them, and generally the only thing I do to make them, is coming up with a name and personality.

I don't roll stats at all unless I absolutely have to. Even for a man-at-arms hired by the party, I eschew stats. He or she gets their attack roll based on their level, which is most likely zero-level-human, and that's pretty much it. In the incredibly rare instance that an ability check is needed, I assume it's an 11 unless I've already established there is something unusual about them. What about hit points? Well, level one fighting-men get a d6 in ODnD. Goblins are a d6-1. Goblins are able to drive peasants before them, whilst enjoying the lamentation of the women. Thus, here is the simple breakdown on ye common folke. Children, elderly, infirmed - 1hp; clerks, maids, typical townies - 2hp; farmers, laborers, healthy lads and lasses - 3hp; the burly blacksmith and other buff stereotypes - 4hp.

I got a little sidetracked, but it went in an acceptable direction. Back to names! I enjoy making up names and personalities. I have no trouble making up diverse personalities, and there are some great tables out there if I did. I should come back and edit this to give a ballyhoo to a couple of them.. With names, even though I love inventing them, I sometimes worry that since it's one person coming up with all the names of all the npcs, they will begin to sound like they're all cousins.

Today, while making two names for a couple hired spearmen that I hadn't foreseen, I thought "hey, I'm trying to make this as much a Gygaxian Greyhawk as possible.. how did he come up with names?" Easy - in addition to the much-discussed anagrams, he used lots of old obscure archaisms, oft times adjusted a bit. This has the added bonus of enjoying some synchronicity with Gene Wolfe's writing, so that makes it feel even better. Thus, I now share a few great links to aid in this method of coming up with proper nouns for a campaign.

Grandiloquent Dictionary

Luciferous Logolepsy

Strange and Unusual Dictionaries dead

Worthless Word FOR the Day dead

Enjoy!

Motor City - This is What We Do

I was just thinking earlier today about how many bloggers and others in the osr are in the Detroit area. I know of 2 or 3 already, but I thought I'd ask.. how many of you out there are in Detroit metro? Do you have a regular DnD group?

Do You Recognise These NPCs?

Recent events in my PbP game.
Parameters: 3lbb ODnD + SnW Whitebox + '75 Greyhawk supplement; play-by-post forum game; titled the Ironwolf campaign; set in Gygaxian Greyhawk (no Greyhawk Wars, no traitor Rary, etc.) in the year 610, some 35yrs after the heyday of Robilar, Erac, Tenser, etc.

These are a few of my recent posts in the game, occurring in the city of Yggsburgh (née Greyhawk.)

1. You follow along, and after a short jaunt you witness them trying to apprehend a very large armored man. The large man picks up one of the guards and uses him to club two others, sending them sprawling. He then sends his makeshift guard-club sailing through a nearby window. The large man yells "STERRRRN!!!" and proceeds along the narrow street. The guards regroup, retrieving their downed but only stunned comrades, and take off again after the massive ruffian.

2. You catch up with them again, but this time the sounds of fighting precede your view. Coming around a corner near the city walls, you see that the massive brute (is he perhaps a bit larger than a few minutes ago?) has torn an immensely heavy iron grating from the middle of a street. He bellows "STERRRRRNNN!!!" perhaps somewhat in the direction of the hole from whence the grate was ripped.

The scene here is more serious than before, with two city guards already sprawled several yards away from the melee, gouts of blood discolouring the surrounding cobblestones. As you watch, the brute brings the dislodged iron grating sweeping into the cluster of guards about him, sending 3 more flying outward, their bodies torn by the ragged iron.

3. The fight proceeds until the great brute, who you are now certain has grown slightly in the time you've watched, flings aside the ragged grating and jumps down into the cavity in the street. Several guards start to follow, but hesitate and are pulled back by their comrades. You hear another great bellow of "STERRRRNNN!!!" echo up from beneath the cobblestones.

Shortly, you see an odd group of individuals arrive on the scene:
A very muscular man with a huge axe, wearing only leather breeches and boots.
An old man with a long grey beard wearing blue robes and a pointy purple hat with stars on it.
An elf dressed in muted green and carrying an ornate longbow.
A woman with sword and shield, armored in many pieces of plate armor, but still managing to look rather unprotected in various vital areas.

The guards seem to know them. The woman exchanges a few words with one of the guards, who seems to treat her with a great deal of respect. The group then jumps down into the hole in the street, one by one. A few guards stay around the chasm, but the rest begin leaving with the wounded and dead.


A special No-Prize to anyone able to name the music group supplying the soundtrack in my mind as the above events were typed. :)

Happy Yuletide. I guess.

The holiday season, much like a plague from Nurgle, has hit many blogs recently. I resisted infection for a time, but I will soon be succumbing to its nefarious influence. I must remember next year to burn others old posts, rather than piling them like cordwood in the town square.

Gramercy Day

Status: Unexpected pre-Thanksgiving slow-down, followed by semi-expected Thanksgiving micro-hiatus. I'd rather be typing.

Books and Games and Games and Books

It occurs to me there is a certain odd reciprocal arrangement between the sort of fantasy books DnD players like to read. I've no idea if this is the rule or the exception, but in my experience it's almost 100% accurate.

People who like games where characters are extraordinary and pregnant with powers (4e) tend to prefer books about people who are painfully average and nearly clueless about adventuring (Jordan, Goodkind.)

People who like games where characters are average and have only the most basic abilities (ODnD) tend to prefer books about people who are extraordinary and exemplify the ideal adventurer (Howard, Eddison, Moorcock.)


In other news, I plan to update the Tekumel adventure tomorrow, and then again on the weekend. I'm considering then settling into updating it once a week on Thursday nights, in honor of Prof. Barker's Thursday night games. I'm not sure once a week will provide enough progress though..

Horror Movies

I don't remember when it happened, but Halloween is my favourite holiday. Through a long series of internal segues, I went from this thought, to wanting to share the various things I'd taken from horror movies to put in my game worlds. Just movies. The inclusion of books and other sources would produce far too much material.

• The flying silver blade ball from Phantasm
• The puzzle box from Hellraiser
• Abbie Normal from Young Frankenstein
• The vampire's assistant from Salem's Lot. To this day, I'm awestruck they got James Mason to do that.
• The death-jawas from Phantasm
• The hide-my-eyes-icky chain hooks from Hellraiser
• The re-inspired turning attempt from Fright Night
• Many lines, especially "That's to be expected" from The Unnameable
• The hand-in-the-eye from The Gate
• The killer severed hand from Evil Dead 2 (moreso this version than the Addams Family)
• More than one undead has been heard to wax poetic with "I'll swallow your soul!!"
• Succubi, demon-summoning, and tons of atmosphere from Spectre
• The Thing from .. The Thing. This version specifically, due to the head-spider.

Ah, such sweet memories.

Fifteen Games

Here are my 15. Some of them I probably wouldn't even want to play again, but they are ones I won't forget, and which (for better or worse) will continue to influence me.

1. DnD, Moldvay, AD&D 1st, AD&D 2nd
2. Warhammer Fantasy Roleplay, 1st
3. Axis & Allies
4. Talisman
5. Traveller
6. Wizardry
7. Marvel Superheroes
8. Guild Wars
9. World of Warcraft
10. Chess
11. Call of Cthulhu
12. Zork
13. Clue
14. Magic: The Gathering
15. HeroQuest

My Pills Ran Out

Since this is the first post of a self-published editorial column, I suppose the most common thing to begin with would be an explanation of the writer's motives.  Yesterday, when walking outside with my daughter, she commented that the sidewalk was very hot, and perhaps there was lava under it.  After thinking a moment, she added 'or maybe the devil lives right under our house.'  I said 'well.. that'd explain a lot.'

I think that's probably as good an explanation as anything, so I'll just go with that.  I should also clarify that she was intentionally trying to be both amusing and narratively adventurous.

I'm driven to write, but at the moment I'm afraid it's a little like driving in a strange city with no map.  And nobody along who's ever been there.  With people fighting in the backseat of the car.  And someone in the seat next to me reminding me about 8 different places I need to try to get to.  I'm tempted to stretch the metaphor even further and say that starting this column is somehow analogous to having one of those damned gps things, but I'm not convinced that would be anything more than a handy turn of phrase.  I think it's probably more accurate that I'm merely desirous of a podium to climb onto so I can scream to the cold dark about everything that pisses me off.  Ironically, I'm not sure I can bring myself to act that foolishly, regardless of how therapeutic it might prove.

Maybe I'll just piss'n'moan about video games.